In the MountainWings issue, "Life's A Beach,"
statistics show that you were over 2,000 times more likely to be
injured by toilets than sharks.  "How can you be injured by a
toilet?" some of you asked.  That is a question I had no real
answer for, but below is one possible answer.

S.C. Anderson
PO Box 1302
Minnetonka, MN 55345

Superior Health Insurance
ATTN: Claims Review
1423 W. 90th St.
New York, NY 05016

Dear Sir:

This letter is in response to your recent letter
requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent
internment at Methodist Hospital.

Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference
to Block 21(a)(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital
visit).  On the original form, I put "Stupidity."

I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and
so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances
leading up to my hospitalization.

I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished
a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint.  I entered the
bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment
in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case
that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came
undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I
immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the lid back to
its normal position.

Unfortunately, as I did this I also turned and certain
parts of my body, which were still exposed, were trapped
between the device's lid and its main body.   

Feeling such intense and immediate pain caused me to
jump back.   

It quickly came to my attention that, when one's
privates are firmly attached to an unmovable object, it is not a
good idea to jump in the opposite direction.

Upon recovering some of my senses, I attempted to
reopen the lid. However, my slamming of it had been sufficient to
allow the locking mechanism to engage.   

I then proceeded to get a hold on my pants and
subsequently removed my keys from them.  I intended to try to force
the lock of the device open with one of my keys; thus
extracting myself.

Unfortunately, when I attempted this, my key broke in
the lock. Embarrassment of someone seeing me in this unique
position became a minor concern, and I began to call for help
in as much of a calm and rational manner as I could.   

An employee from the restaurant quickly arrived and
decided that this was a problem requiring the attention of the
store manager.

Betty, the manager, came quickly.  She attempted to
unlock the device with her keys.  Since I had broken my key off
in the device, she could not get her key in.   

Seeing no other solution, she called the EMS (as
indicated on your form in block 21(b)(1)).

After approximately 15 minutes, the EMS arrived, along
with two police officers, a fire-rescue squad, and the channel
4 "On-the- Spot" news team.  The guys from the fire department
quickly took charge as this was obviously a rescue operation.

The senior member of the team discovered that the
device was attached with bolts to the cement wall that could only
be reached once the device was unlocked.  His discovery
was by means of tearing apart the device located in the
stall next to the one that I was in. (Since the value
of the property destroyed in his examination was less than
$50 (my deductible) I did not include it in my claim.)   

His partner, who seemed like an intelligent fellow at
the time, came up with the idea of cutting the device from the
wall with the propane torch that was in the rescue truck.

The fireman went to his truck, retrieved the torch,
and commenced to attempt to cut the device from the wall.
Had I been in a state to think of such things, I might have
realized that in cutting the device from the wall several
things would also inevitably happen.

First, the air inside of the device would quickly heat
up, causing items inside the device to suffer the same
effects that are normally achieved by placing things in an oven.   

Second, the metal in the device is a good conductor of
heat causing items that are in contact with the device to
react as if thrown into a hot skillet.   

And, third, molten metal would shower the inside of
the device as the torch cut through.

The one bright note of the propane torch was that it
did manage to cut, in the brief time that I allowed them to use
it, a hole big enough for a small pry bar to be placed inside of
the device.   

The EMS team then loaded me, along with the device,
into the waiting ambulance as stated on your form.

Due the small area of your block 21(a)(3), I was
unable to give a full explanation of these events, and thus used the
word which I thought best described my actions that led to my
hospitalization.

Sincerely,
S.C. Anderson